The DMV >:^(

Yesterday I went to the DMV with my cousin Jeffrey to get his license (congratulations Jeffrey! :^)

... >:^( Let me tell you about the US Department of Motor Vehicles. I would rather watch Channing Tatum do a remake of the movie Bio-Dome starring Pauly Shore than go to the DMV. Where do I begin?

1. We got there 1 hour and 15 minutes before they opened their doors at 8am (6:45 am). That's the time we GOT THERE. By which time, a line had already formed that stretched to the next building on the strip.

2. Waiting for the DMV to open was FAR more thrilling and joyous than being there after it opened. Mind you, the MINUTE the door was open the stereotypical mean old woman with the blue/silver eye make-up and lipstick of unusually strong color came out to tell us what the deal was. She asked everyone what they were there for, then grouped a few people into a short sub-line. OK! Now HERE is where my day went downhill: She told my cousin to join the sub-line, which I was also told to join since I was there with him. BUT, Ms. Blue Steel changed her mind, and then asked ME why I was in the second line, and that I shouldn't be there. Oh BOY! Just what I love to have cast on me like one of those various nets that catch fish, an awkward moment NOT of my doing. Thank you Ms. Jackassmaker, for making me look like a jackass.

3. As the heat index undoubtedly steadily rose, along with the temperature and my silent, deadly, deadly, suppressed, internal rage, I had a lot of time to think about things. I also had plenty of skin exposed for the approximately 5 mosquitoes who are now on my personal "Do Not Fly" list. So I decided to have a bit of a wander around the compound. I quickly grew bored of that ENTIRE AREA and anything it had to offer... although the cashier at the Walgreens I walked into was quite pleasant and cute. I digress. I also believe that whatever was lurking in the thick foliage was stalking me. (My inner Ghanaian then took over causing me to walk faster, and never walk there again). The line at this point was ass.

4. As I strolled carelessly, I was able to reflect on what I was doing, things I saw, and the life around me (yes, I believe life is Viewtiful, thus I admire its viewty). I saw a bird dive-bomb poop next to the line as it past us. YES, it's true, my day at the DMV turned to crap.

5. As I stood behind the line, since I wasn't allowed inside to join my cousin (Ms. Blue Steel's doing), since I didn't really have "business" there, I found that standing on the curb somehow indicates to drivers that they can pull up to where you are standing (risking running over your feet), just to get to the Family Dollar behind you, even though you can't park in a fire lane... which was RIGHT NEXT TO THE PARKING LOT!!?? I wish I could make the words I speak into tangible objects; that way I could actually use them to BEAT SENSE into people.

6. 4 hours rolls by before My cousin's number was finally called. He was #411. They started with #124...
anyway, after a 4.5 hour test of my patience, I came away from that abyss of true human suffering with the following realization: NEVER BEFORE have I seen such a gathering of large-assed co-workers as I did today at the DMV. EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE there's got back. Even the DUDES! What was up with that?? It's as if one of the requirements for employment is that every employee must be endowed with a donk.

In short, this sucked. But my cousin got his license. THAT part doesn't suck. The rest does.