Regarding "The Last Airbender" Movie

Dear M. Night Shyamalan,
I want you to know that everything I say now, I say as a fan of the "Avatar: The Last Airbender" animated series. It was quite possibly one of the greatest shows to emerge from the West in the Eastern style. With that being said... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???

I left you alone after "The Happening" which by the way deserves its own rant. (Seriously, what was that all about? The TREES are pissed? You had people spending half of a movie running away from THE WIND! Way to have an almost-scary movie, that made everyone laugh). I turn my back for ONE moment and find that you've been eating your fill of the soul of a beloved cartoon series, just so that you can produce one flaming turd of a movie.

As I payed 8 dollars to watch you take an hour and 43 minute piss, I tried desperately to find out the cause of my discomfort. It wasn't the fact that I couldn't find the pieces of popcorn I spilled on myself. It wasn't the little kids sitting in front of me that felt they weren't missing much by looking back and forth at each other, instead of at the screen. It wasn't even the $20 worth of snacks that we finished before the movie PREVIEWS were over. I don't even think you can blame the actors; they actually TRIED to stay close to the series and the characters they played. No, I find that your directing was what upset me. I haven't been this disappointed from something I had seen since the morning I woke up from the time I dreamt in HD (Such vivid crystal clarity! REAL LIFE didn't look that good).

I was quite baffled at how a director could choose to slow down the action scenes... but speed up the plot??? I understand that you had to summarize an entire season into a feature length film, and as such I walked into the theatre willing to be understanding. YOU, however, took full advantage of my patience. You had ONE JOB TO DO! In fact... YOU DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO COME UP WITH A SCRIPT! Everything was there for you. Did you even watch the show? You left key things, like... CHARACTERS!!!

Before I continue any further, let me tell you what I actually liked about the movie. I rather enjoyed the fight scene between Zuko (who had... A FULL HEAD OF HAIR???), AND the Avatar at the northern water tribe. Funny thing about this fight was, there was no bending involved. Which meant, no CGI to slow anything down. It was well choreographed. I also liked the fact that there was a mostly racially ambiguous cast. It actually played harmoniously into the theme set by the series. Although... the mostly Indian Firebenders was a bit weird; not bad, just weird. I also REALLY liked the animation you played during the end credits, where it looked like silhouettes of the elements bending themselves; nice touch.

Intermission
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End of Intermission


WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MAKING UP NAMES FOR CHARACTERS THAT ALREADY EXIST??? ONG? Where did you hear that one, Thailand? His name is Aang. AAng. AANG!... jackass.
And freakin' work on the other pronunciations! I almost didn't recognize people. In fact, just stick to the freakin' story! Firebenders don't need a fire source to bend, they create it. Only Earth, and Water benders need a source. Oh how quickly we forget, MR. Shyamalamalaaaaaaan (see? don't I sound like a grand douche saying it any which way I want?) that even if this is YOUR movie, this ISN'T YOUR STORY! STOP changing whatever you feel like changing. This wasn't "creative licensing", this was sheer jackassery. If I had a dime for every moment that your rendition of this story sucked, I would have enough to pay for every snack in the theatre (a couple hundred thousand dollars I'm guessing, since they consider 15 dollars to be a reasonable price for popcorn and a drink (I blame you for that too)).

I've noticed that you like CGI technology. You felt like James Cameron for a moment there, didn't you? WRONG AVATAR THERE, BUDDY! It was like watching the work of someone who JUST discovered photoshop as they try to use every special effect at their disposal. Rubbish! I think that the only movie I saw this summer that was a worse live-action remake of a cartoon, was Dragon Ball evolution. Do NOT let me find out that you played any sort of hand in that movie either! I saw people stop moving just so that fire can pass. Also, for someone who likes to pull CGI out of his ass, you certainly pissed away the golden opportunity to catch our attention with the opening credits. The only redeeming factor in it was the guy you had representing the air benders; he did a fantastic job, and clearly took his Ba Gua lessons seriously.

Before I leave, I feel it only right to address the corniness of certain points in the film. Let's count them down:

5. The Earthbending camp where the guy built a wall to defend his son against the fire coming toward his son. Touching father son moment... corny ass fire earth CGI crap.

4. The scenes in which Aang is in the spirit world talking to the dragon (WHO WAS NEVER EVER SUPPOSED TO TALK IN THE FIRST PLACE, BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AVATAR ROKU, YOU SLEEPY LOOKING NON-GOOD MOVIE MAKING, CGI-HAPPY, 3-D WHORE OF A FORMERLY DECENT DIRECTOR!). Him wandering through some weird ass forest having visions of crap that's actually happening right next to him doesn't give the impression that he's in the spirit world. It just makes me think he's higher than the Apollo mission.

3. The scene with the little boy that told Iroh the story of "the Firelord's son". That was awkward, and near-pedophilia, and could have been done better if you didn't make it seem as if the little boy knew EXACTLY what Zuko needed him to say in order to prove his point. It looked like the boy rehearsed it, and practiced the story often in a mirror. The problem is, the character did that too; not just the child actor.

2. The way they killed Admiral Zhao was whack. He was whack. That scene was whack. The dialogue was whack. My seat was whack. His sideburns were cool. His bending was whack. You are whack. NEXT!

#1. FINAL corniest scene in the whole movie, was Iroh's rage at Zhao killing the moon spirit (BY STABBING IT??? Is this OZ? Did the fish owe him cigarettes? Why shank a fish??). Upon seeing this, and having his demands disobeyed, Iroh threw a fit. The same kind of fit my cousin's chihuahua throws on occasion, but replace the barking with fire. Oh, lordy lordy he was SOOOO PISSED he exuded flames from his arms and JUST STOOD THERE holding his hands up. Leave it to M. Night Shyamalan to make something almost-scary, and almost-cool. In the series, Iroh KNOCKED THEIR ASSES OUT! You mean to tell me, that it wasn't enough that you ruined the movie for me, but you ruined one of my favorite characters as well? I ought to set my foot on fire, and put it so far up your ass the spit from your mouth would extinguish it!

Could this movie have sucked more? Yes it could have, and I'm very grateful it didn't. Will there be a sequel? There has to be, but please pass the torch to someone like Clint Eastwood? Quentin Tarantino? Stanley Kubrick? Steven Spielberg? Ron Howard? Freakin' Drew Barrymore even! Was this a terrible movie? It was a terribly directed movie. The actors were OK, and did their jobs. I admire them for it.

You suck, I'm going to bed.

-Love, Nii